It's already midnight here and I'm still wide awake.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about life lately, especially on how temporary this life is and how scared I am that I might not be able to experience all that I want in this life.
Like, buying and decorating my own house, or getting married to the man I love or performing my Hajj. Makes me cry thinking about it! Some people might call it pessimistic that I think about this, but I think it's okay to start thinking about, yeah, this thing. I knew somebody who lost her dad, and somebody who lost his mum, and somebody I used to know lost his life in an accident. It's scary but anything can happen, and I need to stop pretending like everything in my life is going to be happy and pleasant all the time. I don't know what the future holds for me, and all I can do is to pray to God that He will always protect me and my love ones. He knows best, after all.
I have been doing some kind of thinking session everyday. After taking my hot shower whenever I finished my class (it's circa 13 to 15 degrees nowadays, so hot shower is always the best), I will watch my Korean dramas, read novel and sit down for awhile thinking how God is being so generous and kind to me. I have mom who always support whatever I want to do, I have a dad who always say, "I'm so proud of you", I have a brother who will never say he loves me but I know deep inside he do love me, (just spoke to mom on phone and he said he caught my brother crying in his room, missing me - which also brought tears to me), I have this group of friends who always put aside their busy schedule and make some time for me (yeah Nabil and Sha for sure), those bunch of kids who will always enjoy my concert (obviously Dinie and Farha), and a friend who I rarely contact but she's always in my heart (yes it's you, Brena). And those bunch of kids who always lend me their hand when I need any help. Alhamdulillah is what I can say much.
There are few moments in life where I keep questioning, why God do this and this and this to me when other people got this and this and this which is so impolite and immature, I can say. Who am I to judge God's arrangement when He knows what are the very best for me, right?
And there are times I questioning myself, why I do good things to people, hoping people will do the same thing for me, but apparently the thing went upside down? And when I do some thinking, yeah, it's actually because my niat was wrong. If I was expecting some kind of reward when I did good things to people, where is the sincerity? And I am expecting a reward when I am not even sincere to help others or give something to others?
Shame on me.
Same goes in life. How many time I spent to please God rather than people? And I expecting all my wishes will be fulfilled? And I expecting Jannah?
Shame on me again.
You guys should try this sometime, just sit down, and make a mental list of things that you're grateful for and things that you should do to purify your heart, your soul. We are human, we never born perfect and above all, we are a sinner. I can promise the world will seem like a much brighter and happier place after that.
Happy Deepavali and happy holiday for those in my hometown. Missing you guys so badly.
Today I felt so grateful when a friend of mine send his kind-of-touching-whatsapp-text, thanking us for accompanying him for a deepavali food hunting.