Thursday, April 21, 2016

Searching for Passion-Filled Life

I've been doing nothing since the day I left Germany. Just doing some simple errands like sending off my little brother to school, kafa and tuition. Go out when I feel like I want to but most of my time - I sleep! Haha. The weather is just ugh - panas gila! (Subhanallah, let's thing Hell is 10000xx hotter than this - ok ok)

So back to my topic, have you ever wondered what your passion is? Have you ever have moments in life when you reach a stopping point and second-guess your decisions? 

"What am I doing now?" "How did I get here?" "Do I even like doing this?" "Is this me?"

 I've been there numerous times over the course of my life, starting in high school. I remember one particular scenario when I was questioning whether to go for this one interview ( I can't remember the details ) or YTN Scholarship interview. (At that moment, I was extremely mad like: WHY YOU MUST BE ON THE SAME DAY?!?) I was questioning myself, should I go for engineering but it's in a local uni (and I badly want to go out from the country) or should I go for accounting and I can study abroad? 

Though I've had moments of clarity, joy and satisfaction, the lingering self-questioning had been a continued thread throughout my life. I am a person who wants to live to the fullest, experience as much as I can and have a lot of fun doing whatever I love, so I am not surprise that every night before sleeping - asking myself,

"What else is there?" "Am I doing what I love?" "Is this the path I should be on?"

Recently, a friend of mine asked me what makes me happy. 
(I'm so happy I got this kind of friend)

"What are you passionate about?" 

I sat quietly for a minute and my mind filed and filtered through my past - likes and dislikes - searching for an answer. As hard and deep as I looked, I couldn't quite answer her. There are many things in this world that excite me and make me happy (even Yoo Si Jin can excites me, lol) but hearing the word 'passionate' struck me harder than I expected. Some people might say that I'm super cliche - well, I can just answer, I have passion in what I study and other stuff but hey people, I am a critical thinker. Lol!

When I was in high school, I would rattle numerous things that I was passionate about - reading novels, helping others, travel, music, acted in a drama, go out to represent my school . But as I move through life and live different experiences first-had, my passion for certain things changes. It's not that I am less passionate but I am more focused. With more experience comes more knowledge and self-awareness. We are also constantly learning more about ourselves and started to learn how to love ourselves. The added knowledge we have means more defined passions or letting go of past 'passions'.

My friends happen to be a future doctors, psychologists (ah, I'm so jealous), business owners and etc - all with distinct paths, clear visions, and focused passion. Sometimes I am hard on myself for not knowing my 'passion path' and meandering on off-road detours. But when I find myself starting to second-guess past decisions that may have caused my deviation off-course, I have to remind myself that it all takes time. I have to remind myself, that God's plan is the best!

Life is a process of learning, experiencing, living through mistakes, making hard decisions, and exploring our passions. It's one exhausting, fun, painful and joyful ride (yeah like how I rode the The Side Kick in Movie Park Germany), but it's our ride and we will get there, in our own time, soon :)

P/S: I never regret every decisions I've made so far. My life is super great and I love what I study now, I love my sponsor, I love my family - I love all the beautiful things I've been through! It's just that I need to have clearer vision on what to do next. I don't want to get an A for nothing - it was a hectic thing to get an A okay! Like seriously - hectic!

No I didn't do my deep thinking in front of this lake - it was just a photo lol
Hope you have a nice week :)


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